Farewell Crazy Janice!

When Crazy Janice texted me a message "hey you! i'm going to be in la tonight! meet me at barneys!!", I couldn't resist the invitation.

A very brief, lightening speed recap for those who aren't caught up on the Janice front. Crazy J is a huge attention whore, had her middle name legally changed to "Kawk Teez", and a New Zeland kiwi could shame her on an IQ test.

But she has nice sweater yams.

I don't keep in contact with ol' Janice very often (for obvious reasons). And I'm used to the game that she plays... it's a routine we've gotten into. She makes a coy, "cute" joke about how we're going to make out, we meet up for a couple of drinks, and at the end of the night we leave separately. At first I was annoyed by this, but I've come to expect it and if you expect it and don't give two shits; it's all in good fun.

This particular evening, our usual, tried & true method of interaction didn't quite go down as usual.

Now Janice has her good qualities. She is the girl you don't have to take seriously or even pretend to be interested in. She'll take any shot you put in front of her (as long as you do one too!) and can be good for just that "surface level" fun that can be refreshing. Think of her like a shitfaced pinata.

We guzzled Redbull Vodkas, took a couple of "bartender's choice" shots and in general: got down with our alchy selves.

But closing time was drawing near and I could tell my friends wanted to take off. This is how our conversation went down.

So@24: Alright I think we're taking off. Good to see you again.
Crazy Janice: I didn't get drunk enough tonight, so I'm not down to make out with you. Maybe you can try your luck again tomorrow night.

Wait. A. Fucking. Tick.

Now maybe it was booze. Maybe I have just been overly sensitive of girls who will suck the blood (see: attention) of absolutely any male they come across in order to stave off death (see: Caitlin). But I took this as a pretty presumptuous and insulting quip coming from this girl. I never made any gesture that I wanted to make out with her. Pretty fucking bold. And did she just say that she had to be drunk to make out with me?

A visual would be much better than my words will be able to describe, but stick with me. Imagine I am over-acting as all hell. Sarcasm oozing from my pores.

So@24: Oh shit! Me? You?? I get to hang out with you?? With the possibility of making out? Tomorrow?
Crazy Janice: Oh fuck you, So. You fucking asshole!

Patrons of the bar are turning to see what all the commotion is about.

So@24: So I guess we're on tomorrow right? You know, to possibly make out?

I have an enormous grin plastered to my face, I toss up two double thumbs up and start to moonwalk out the door.

Crazy Janice: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

Two of my friends start to awkwardly squeeze past her.

Crazy Janice: Are you friends with that fuck??
Two Friends: Um. Yes?
Crazy Janice: Well fuck you too then!

* * *

Doogie Howser Writing in his Diary on his Commodore 64 Moment
* * *

With every nice guy, there comes this boiling point. Where we get sick of always getting trampled upon, our genuinely nice gestures get taken for granted and taking it up the ass like Jennifer Connelly's character in Requium for a Dream. These girls who just like to dangle the carrot are so transparent, it's laughable. I had to take one back for us.

And I think hit that line when she thought she had some upper hand on me.

Needless to say, I think that's the last time I'll ever hear from Crazy Janice.

I'm a Big Hit with 8 Year Old Girls / Janice's Big Visit

The Kid's Choice Awards was a lot of fun this year. I did see Hayden, but I wasn't able to work my game. Her loss.

However, the after party wasn't as elbow rubbing-y as I was expecting. They really do make the KCA's for the kids. Lots of slime, lots of tater tots & chicken nuggets, lots of kids running around with chocolate sundaes smeared on their faces. It was essentially a huge carnival.

They did have free beer though. So I stayed for a little while longer, chatting with my coworkers, munching on bland fish and chips, and sipping Amstel Light.

My pocket kept buzzing the entire time due to texts from an extremely drunk Janice. She was sloshed and it was only 8:00. It was time for me to meet up with destiny.

As I was headed out the door, I felt a tiny finger poke my kidney. "What the--?" I spun around and there was a clan of about six or seven little girls, probably around 8 years old, looking up at me. The bravest one yells out, "OurfriendAshleythinksyou'recute!!" They then shrieked and then scattered, leaving me scratching my head.

I guess you gotta take it where you can get it.

***

Onto my reunion with Janice. Oh Janice. Oh Janice.

When I arrived in the bar to meet her, I actually had to brace myself at the nearest barstool to keep from being knocked over. She was already in that sloppy stage where her eyes were half open and she was adding extra "s"es to all her words.

But the key to hanging out with Janice (or any girls with a similar personality) is that you have to be on her level or even beyond. You have to be drunk. Her voice is still the same high pitched, whine that can make your eye twitch involuntarily. To her credit though, she can let loose and that can be fun.

I have to admit that she was actually fun to hang out with. Again, I found myself in a situation where it was just me and 5 other girls at a bar (none of which I was overly impressed with). But the drinks were flowing, the music was good and for the first time in a long, long time... I found myself on the dance floor. How could I deny the sweet, sweet beats of Hi Five's "She's Playing Hard to Get"??

There was a cute, blonde girl I noticed in a booth, being very animated, chugging a Bud Light. She was with 4 other girl friends and was making them crack up, although I couldn't hear what she was saying. But a funny, cute girl, drinking beer... always stands out to me. How refreshing!
I frantically texted Leo and Veronica to come meet me... I needed someone there for moral support! Alas, they were out west and would not join. Even though I was feeling unusually motivated for some reason, I had to let this one slide. What could I do really? It's extremely difficult to try and approach a girl when she's out with just her girlfriends.

No feeling up took place with Janice. At one point in the night, she pulled me (literally) and kissed me. My shirt is now missing the second button from the top. It was an awkward 4 second kiss before I pulled away and made some kind of lame joke. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And besides, I didn't want to make out on a dance floor, I've been there before and it wasn't pretty. She did take my hand and place it on top of her right boob. That's the most action I've gotten since... Lord knows how long. I've missed boobs.

But again, what am I supposed to do? Grope a feel in the middle of the dance club? Come on, I have SOME class.

Fun w/ MySpace Pt 2: Janice Is Back

Part 1 is here.




Janice - Mar 28 2008 11:14 AM

I'm comin back to hollywood tonight :)

keep tomorrow night open!
we need to catch up on some lost drinking time!! ;)

I wanna see you!!

-high pitch girlie shriek-

-pant pant-

-catches breath-

-grumble grumble-

So@24 - Mar 28 2008 2:03 PM

I'll get you a Touch Down*.

Janice - Mar 28 2008 2:09 PM

touch downs and feel ups.


looks like we've got ourselves a pretty good saturday night ahead of us sir!

-shakes head in disbelief-

Give me a break.

* one of my favorite drinks. Shot of mandarin vodka into a cup o' Redbull.

Fun w/ MySpace or Do I Look Like a Cherub Part II

Editor's Note: Communication via MySpace. Didn't I just turn a quarter century old?


My response:

Did you mean to send this to my taller, whiter, more shaved head counterpart?

Her response:

Nope, but I'll take that as subtle rejection. But let's hang out anyway. :)

Ahhhhh, a message from Janice:

based on your song [dammit, she knows the 90's classic Timmy T's "One More Try"... alright, you get one point, lucky broad] --

we are soul mates. :)

I'm comin back to h-wood march 28th.
keep that weekend open for some serious hangout time.

I'll consider the boob touching ;)

miss you [insert disgusting, cute playoff on my name] <3>

Sidenote: Can I mention how weirded out I get sometimes that my new boss's name is Lynn? What the fuck, man.



I'm getting drunk tonight.

Being a Dick Can Be Fun!

Janice's MySpace comment:

I miss the way you used to leave me good comments.

:(

So@24's MySpace comment back:

I was trying to feel you up at the time, remember?

Janice Returns

Remember her? If not, check out this too. Or this.

I haven't had any contact with her in months and I was confident that I'd never see her again. But last week, a random AIM box popped up. It was her.

We discussed nothing really substantial, catching up on how work has been, etc.

Janice: so where are you working now?
So@24: I'm still working at _____, but I actually just got back from an interview at ______.
Janice: OMG!!! i work within walking distance! we can do coffee and stuff! sooooooo coool

-rubs fingers on temples-

Just as I'm about ready to make an excuse to sign off (something along the lines of, "I think my penis has detached itself from the host and moving away from my body like an inchworm"), she drops a bomb on me.

Janice: you should come to my party on halloween
So@24: Yeah... I... I'm not quite sure what we're doing
Janice: well my girlfriends and i rented out a part of a bar in west hollywood. private bar. lots of girls
-ears perk-
So@24: Private bar, you say? Girls, you say?
Janice: you should commmmmmmmmme!
So@24: Hmmm. You've sold me. What's everyone going as?
Janice: ummmmmmmmmm... i'm going as a slutty snow white and my friend lindsay is going as the evil queen snow white. hot.
Janice: my other friend is going as strawberry shortcake. slutty. dont worry. everyone's going to be pretty skanky! lol!

Oh well. You know how I feel about these types of costumes, but I won't be complaining if there's plenty of eye candy. I'm just really sold at the private bar notion.

Why is it that people think that their chances of getting laid always increases when there's a "big" party? Everyone gets so pumped up and psyched out about these things that they think that it's absolutely guaranteed ass. Is that really the case?

So here we go again... tonight in West Hollywood, hanging out with Janice just to latch onto her like a parasite and use her for the resources of her friends dressed in sexy Halloween outfits. I guess I should feel guilty about this, but... meh.

This should be interesting.

Coming Clean with Janice

It's fucking hot in LA. Really. Fucking. Hot. And nothing is better than a cold, frosty beer on a scorching summer's day after work.

Everyone's gone, so I have the entire house to myself. I should take advantage of the situation, but instead I log into my MySpace account.

Oh look. Janice has written me:

letsssss hanggggg outttttt!

(hang out not make out!)

:) :)

I just pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh. Maybe I've had one too many Miller Lites, but I respond with:

I've grown tired of flirting. I'm ready to cash in.

Maybe that was a bit too honest. But at this point, I figure it's "win-win". She gets disgusted that I am really only invested in the key to her Love Bunker. Or she actually gives me the key to her Love Bunker.

I think I'm too buzzed to care about the circumstances at this point. Happy Labor Day weekend everyone!

Missed Calls

Janice
8:48 PM
Mon, Aug 13

Janice
8:59 PM
Mon, Aug 13

My voicemail: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii, this is Janice. Why don't you ever answer your phone? And respond to my texts? Call me back.

Guh. Please leave me alone.

I Love My Friends Pt. 4

Leo: Dude Janice has been up in your grill

So@24: No shit! I have not responded to any of her MySpace posts or to her texts and she has gotten pretty pissed about it

"why dont you respond to anything anymore??"

Leo: "cause most likely you're a psychotic bitch lurking underneath an alluring visage of large breasts and coy looks"

So@24: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

Haven't Heard from Janice for Awhile

I almost puked when I opened her MySpace bulletin:

please come take care of me...

I'm on crutches and have a giant ugly knee brace around my leg :(


ps. if anyone wanted to bring me anything...I'm madly in love with Ben and Jerry's icecream :)

<3 <3

Give me a break.

An Evening with Janice

I met Janice at a bar in Hollywood. We hugged and sat down and immediately ordered drinks. Janice ordered a Raspberry Stolli with soda. She actually squealed with excitement when she noticed 3 raspberries were floating in her drink.

"EEEEEEE! Aren't these cutey??"

Oh God. My response to her question was three large gulps of my vodka Redbull.

Surprisingly enough, our conversation didn't really drag. I can admit I'm pretty good at feigning interest in what she has to say. She voiced to me that she didn't have work the next day and she wanted to get drunk. Fine by me, so do I!

2 Blue Moons, a pitcher of PBR, and 3 Touchdowns later, we find ourselves in a deep discussion once again about dating and the opposite sex.

I take a wild guess and say that her guy friends always try for something more with her. Here's the interesting part... she says that the problem is, is that they always try to DATE her. She makes some claim that she gives off this "girl next door", "bring home to mom" impression and instead of getting hit on all the time; guys try to enter a relationship. She was COMPLAINING that no guys just want her PHYSICALLY!

This absolutely blew my mind. I tried my best to not burst into laugher at the irony of the situation. There is no way in Hell, I'd ever date her. And I'm really only interested in her, well, physically. I guess this was my moment to kind of say something really smooth and would ultimately lead to us ripping off each other's clothes behind the bar dumpsters.

But what could I say really? "Hey! That could be me!" Maybe if I was at my home turf or even anywhere else but this dive bar, I could have done something. I need to find my balls at some point, I suppose.

However, the wheels are in motion now. She wants to hang out again this weekend. At least I know now that this girl isn't as prudish as originally thought. I leave you with some hilarious thoughts of wisdom from my friends:

Paxton: But the more you hang out and nothing happens, the more you're just the guy she 's going to bitch to about everything. So@24: Dammit! The Friendzone!
Paxton: yeah, that's the risk. you don't want to be this girl's friend.
Paxton: in fact, fuck that, very few guys want to be any girl's friend
So@24: HAHAHAA! Wow, Paxton. I don't know if I see eye to eye with you on that one.

Leslie: so did anything happen between you two?
So@24: No! I couldn't bring myself to do it!
Leslie: You are a PUSSY! I can't believe you didn't jump on that! AND you had an empty house! I'm so disappointed in you.
So@24: Whoa whoa whoa! First off, we weren't at my place! We were at a bar!
Leslie: You should have invited her over afterwards! That's what you do! You hang out at a bar and then invite her back to your house!
Leslie: PWNED!

The Return

Janice is back. She went home for a couple of weeks before she quit her job (don't worry, she called me immediately afterward and I had to awkwardly console her. Isn't this a boyfriend job!?).

I had completely forgotten about her. Until I got a text this afternoon:

"Hey I'm baaaaaaack! drinks tonight??"

Fuck. Fuck! She sent me an email with new pictures from her vacation. I have to admit... she's looking good. My brain and my penis are in a battle of epic proportions.

I'm meeting her for drinks.

Damn you. You always win.

How to Break Up with Someone You Aren't Dating

I'm really starting to come to a boiling point with Janice. I can't handle this having-a-girlfriend-relationship when I haven't even DONE anything with this girl. I haven't slept with her, I haven't kissed her, I haven't even had an awkward hand-holding experience with her.

So what the fuck!?

All weekend, I've been receiving calls from Janice. When I don't answer, I get a text literally SECONDS later asking, "Are you mad at me? Why are you ignoring me?" When I do answer, she calls just to gab about her job and to ask me what I'm up to, etc. Pointless. Meaningless stuff. If I actually enjoyed her company for more than 3 mins, I wouldn't be complaining. But I'm at the point where I need to just lay it on the line. Rip a couple shots on a random night, hold her hands in her lap, look at her in the eye and say:

"Look. Are we going to hook up or what? I already have enough girl-friends. I can't spend another sober minute with you without wanting to shove a melon-baller in my eye. But you are very attractive and I'd love to stick my penis in your vagina. I think I've paid my dues. So, you're either in or you're out."

I think that a girl would actually appreciate that honesty. Janice called me on Sunday afternoon asking me if I wanted to have drinks with her. She called me for drinks at 3:30 on a Sunday. For some, that would seem like a sign that this girl is definitely down... but I can see our good friend Janice playing the ignorance card.

That is, if I thought for a second she knew what "ignorance" meant.

How do I get out of this? How do I break up with Janice?? How do you break up with a girl who you aren't even remotely close to dating??

Chicken/Fowl Tease

I've figured Janice out. Actually, wait... that's like me proclaiming that I've deciphered the hieroglyphics of the ancient Egyptians. However, I do think I'm onto her little game.

1. She's a lone-aphob. Janice hates to be alone.
2. She's a huge flirt that doesn't have any intention to do anything more
3. She uses the possibility of sex to get me to hang out
4. Although she definitely isn't the brightest crayola in the box, she certainly knows how to manipulate. She loves playing damsel in distress.

On my way to work, I'm on the phone with a good friend of mine and Janice calls me 3 times during the conversation. I finally call her back and she says (in a giggle), "Don't ignore my phone calls!"

-pinches bridge of nose-

Whatever. She informs me that she needs to attend this seminar for work on Saturday morning and wants to know if I can go with her. I absolutely do not wish to attend a seminar. With Janice. At 9:00 in the morning. I swore I would not hang out with her again unless there alcohol was involved. I apologize. Tell her I'll take a raincheck and that I'll talk to her once I get into the office.

Janice: So can you go with me??
So@24: No. I told you before I can't.
Janice: mannnnn
So@24: sorry bra
Janice: its ok :-(
Janice: you could have totally stayed over for a sleepover
Janice: my roomies gone so it woulda been even cooler cause we have the whole place
Janice: and could watch movies
So@24: Sure... "watch movies"
Janice: i mean have crazy sex
Janice: sorry
So@24: ...
So@24: Where is your roommate at
Janice: sd
Janice: with her boy
So@24: all weekend?
Janice: ya

Chances are, Janice is completely joking about having "crazy sex". But it's still a mind fuck when a girl is suggesting a movie night with the emphasis of her roommate being out of town. Am I wrong?

If my hunch is correct, Janice is trying to make me the Mayor of Friendville and I'm going to decline the nomination.

No Way... Pt. 3

This conversation took place immediately after Pt. 2
Am I dating this girl? Is she for real? What have I gotten myself into...

Janice: i miss my buddy... :(
So@24: well... let's talk about it
Janice: okkkk
So@24: wanna start?
Janice: im sorry. it was stupid. im over it
So@24: alright cool
So@24: thanks for the apology, i appreciate it
Janice: but you told me i was crazy and you hung up on me and youre not even going to apologize?
So@24: Janice... you were blowing up on me.
Janice: ahhhh
Janice: ok
Janice: i see how this is gonna work
So@24: How is that?
Janice: because we both think we were right, granted the whole thing was stupid
Janice: and i put aside my pride and apologized
So@24: And I appreciate that, but you don't apologize to someone just to expect one back. I didnt do anything wrong yesterday.
Janice: fine.
So@24: Great.
Janice: i just want my bff back
Janice: what are you doing this weekend?
So@24: I can't believe you're going into work tomorrow
Janice: aandddd youre comin too!!!
Janice: :-) :-)
Janice: it'll be a little fieldtrip!!!
Janice: you gotta
Janice: it'll be fun
Janice: yup, you'll have to stay over tonight
Janice: sleep overrr!!!!

For the record, I actually did not go over for a "sleep over". But yes, I did meet her for lunch the next morning. Leo gave me shit for it (as he should have), but I blew the dust off a pack of contraceptives and gave a thumbs up as I strolled down my porch steps.

But a sober lunch date is not a fun lunch date. I had forgotten how annoying her high pitch voice is or how she says the stupidest exclamations, questions, sentences, fragments I've ever heard spew a person's noise hole. I immediately knew that if I were going to survive the conversation alone, I was going to need the help of my good buddy alcohol. Before our server could even introduce himself, I asked what beer they had on tap.

Server: Would you like the regular or tal--
Me: Tall glass. Please.

Just as I had anticipated, her boring anecdotes began to transform into "slightly amusing". And, no matter how much she makes me want to shove butter knifes into my eye sockets, she is pretty fucking cute. And her rack isn't something to turn your nose to either.

But she wasn't drinking (a Diet Coke, of course). And I didn't want to get stuck in a situation where I would not be able to drive home. And there is absolutely no way I could have made a move to initiate while sober. I stopped myself after a single tall glass of Bud Light. Paid the tab. Gave her a hug and made the drive back. She texted me later thanking me for lunch.

Perhaps there is a still an opportunity to prove to myself I don't belong in a monastery. I just hope there's enough booze in the abbey when that time comes.

No Way... Pt. 2

As expected, I get an IM from Janice this morning. Three cheers for cutting and pasting! Enjoy.

Janice: are you serious? what happened last night
So@24: um. you totally flipped out?
Janice: um i was kidding. honestly. i was laughing
So@24: You sounded completely serious
Janice: i was laughing!
So@24: And I asked if you were serious
So@24: I was not getting that vibe whatsoever
So@24: Why didnt you call back then?
Janice: cause im stubborn
So@24: Thats nice.
Janice: and you were being all weird and hung up on me which made me mad.
Janice: i was joking like...
Janice: i was serious about being like where the hell are you
Janice: but totally jokin
So@24: Sorry, but I joke all the time and I didnt get that vibe from you
So@24: Im glad that's the case and you're not a complete nutjob
So@24: You were ripping into me about taking a shower?
So@24: And when I asked if you were being serious... you said "yes". What am I supposed to think?
Janice: i was just like where the hell are you!
Janice: it was a joke
Janice: i mean i was serious about the where the hell are you part
Janice: and yes i am crazy
Janice: :)
So@24: You should have called back then. No need to be stubborn about something like that
Janice: you shouldnt have hung up on me
So@24: You were being completely outrageous
So@24: I even said, "If this is a joke, you got me. But if you're serious..."
Janice: ughhhhh
Janice: i mean i was a little serious about you having to take a shower to come over....but at the same time totally joking
So@24: Okay well... I guess miscommunication. Because you know me... I joke around quite a bit and my friends always do. And I'm being completely honest when Im saying I didnt get that vibe from you
So@24: And for the record, I didnt take a shower BECAUSE I was going to go over. I took a shower, because I always take a shower at night regardless of what Im doing.
Janice: hahaha
Janice: i know you didnt take a shower for me
Janice: It just took a really long time and I was like what the hell is he doing!
Janice: i was being just like "where the hell are you" hahah
Janice: funny kinda thing
Janice: like damn youre taking forever!
So@24: It was only 9
Janice: i got home at 7:00!
Janice: it was 2 hours is all
Janice: i dont care that you shower!
Janice: i was just confused, you made it sound like you were headin right over. so thats how i took it
So@24: Okay well... can you see from my point of view?
So@24: Im surprised that you were so upset about me coming over later than expected... especially coming from someone who has constantly made plans to hang out during the weekend and never called or answered her phone. Right?
Janice: no
Janice: this isnt about me
Janice: its about you
Janice: i take soooo much shit from you!
Janice: all the time about not hanging out!
So@24: No shit!
So@24: Because you always make plans with me and then break them. CONSTANTLY
Janice: THIS ISNT ABOUT ME! stop turning it on me
So@24: And then when you ask me to drive out to your house... you freak the fuck out
Janice: take responsibility
So@24: HAHAHA
Janice: whatever im done
So@24: Are you joking now? Same joking as last night eh?
So@24: You're crazy
Janice: wow
Janice: ok
So@24: Later

This girl is insane. Completely insane. Notice how we're fighting as though we're dating?

"I'm out"

PS. Props to my roomie Leo for the chart. I'm discovering that it's terrifyingly accurate.

No Way...

A story that happened to me last night reminds me why I created this blog in the first place.

As I am driving home in thick, Los Angeles traffic, I hear "8 Days A Week" play from my cell. It's a completely unexpected call... Janice. She asks what my plans are for tonight and I tell her the only thing I promised myself I'd cook my lunches for the rest of the week. She then proceeds to kick it up a notch by saying:

"You should come over tonight."

Whoa. Alright. Sweet. I can do that. She gives me her address and I tell her I'll give her a call when I'm on my way.

I whip up a pasta and hop in the shower. Getting the water out of my ears with my towel, I pick up my cell phone. 4 missed calls: 8:26, 8:32, 8:38, 8:40. 2 texts: "I hate you" and "I'm going to bed." My first thoughts: what the fuck!?

Janice: Where the fuck are you?
So@24: What?
Janice: Where. the. fuck. are. you? I've been sitting here waiting for an hour.
So@24: I just got out of the shower. It's only 9.
Janice: Why the fuck did you shower?? I'm sitting here without makeup on in pajamas! Why
did you feel the need to get dolled up?
So@24: First off, I always take showers at nighttime regardless of what I'm doing. Second, are
you being serious right now? I'm driving out to see you in the Valley, aren't you
being a little selfish?
Janice: Oh hell no are you going to turn this around on me! I've been sitting here waiting for
you!
So@24: Wow. You're crazy. I'm out.

I turn off my phone and just crack up. There's no way that this just happened. No way. I return to the living room where my roommates are playing a rousing game of Risk. Leo threw me a crisp Natural Ice beer. This is like Alicia Silverstone in The Crush.

Wow.

Juice Worth the Squeeze?

Working in "the industry" as an assistant you are in constant contact with other assistants. It's like a little club. Everyone's doing the same thing... a slave to your boss, "rollin' calls", managing Outlook, making conference calls happen. After awhile, you start a certain rapport with your fellow assistants (at least the one's you're in constant contact with) and soon friendly non-work related banter emerges.

One assistant, Janice, who I talked to frequently was actually extremely friendly and dare I say it; she sounded hot. But how do you move forward from this point? I'm not proud of my next move, but I had no where else to turn. I checked to see if she had a MySpace. Thank God for the Hollywood Creative Directory, right? Fuck, I'm creepy. Turns out, it wasn't too bad of a deal. The girl's voice actually matched her looks (score!). After "adding" her, we joked about how lame MySpace is and she asked that I meet her and a friend out at The Beauty Bar in Hollywood.

I was pretty optimistic after our first encounter. We laughed about being Hollywood assistants, pounded numerous alcoholic beverages and fist pounded to your classic, cliche'd Journey bar songs while we hit the dance floor. The vibe I was getting was so good, I spent the most money I've ever spent at a bar before. Mission accomplished after that evening. I stumbled into my roommate's bedroom howling that I had met an amazing girl.

And then... something changed.

For the next few weeks, consistently posted "cute", flirtatious comments on my MySpace (again, I'm aware how lame it is to use MySpace as any kind of indicator of how someone feels about you). We made plans to hang out on the weekends, most times initiated by her, and each time she would bail. Not answer her phone. Not answer her texts. And then come up with really pathetic excuses the following Monday morning.

Needless to say, my interests begin to fade fairly quickly and the attention I gave her took a dramatic drop. But we'd still chat over AIM and over my short amount of time with Janice, I've learned that there was a reason why this wasn't ever going to work into something more...

1. Her Past
   For reasons I'm still unsure of, Janice started to tell me about her "unique" past. How in high school, she dated a guy for 3 years who happened to be a Jehovah's Witness. His family disowned him and he moved in with Janice and her family. He was a family member for 3 years! She then told me she was home schooled a couple of years because she was "depressed". After high school, she broke up with her boyfriend and went to college. Dropped after a year. Never completed college.
   
   
2. She has been dating someone??
   She casually mentioned that she has been "kind of" dating a guy. If I was her boyfriend and I saw the shit she was saying to me... I'd be livid. But this can be explained on the next point...
   
   
3. Her views on guys/dating
   Janice admitted that she has left a trail of heartache with her past relationships. I believe our conversation was like this:
   
   Janice: I hate to be alone, so I always want commitment from the guy I'm dating. But I like to be able to keep my options open
   So@24: Let me get this straight. You want your boyfriends to be completely loyal to you, but you want the ability to do whatever you want if something else that intrigues you comes around?
   Janice: lol! I know! I know! I'm horrible huh?
   So@24: Yes actually! You are a horrible person!
   Janice: lol!
   
   
4. Her political/religious beliefs
   She's claims to be very religious and leans more toward the conservative side. Oy vey. Janice is quoted to say, "But I don't like to debate it with people since I don't really know all the facts." That's actually pretty impressive. Not a lot of republicans I know can admit that.
   
   
5. She has asked me how to spell the following words. I've actually kept track at this point: "whether", "cause", "rights". She also can not differentiate there/their, your/you're,
   

The girl went from a 8 to a 3.3 faster than anyone I've encountered. I still talk with her pretty consistently. I'm not a complete dick to her, because despite her obvious issues... she was still a lot of fun the few times we have hung out. This afternoon she asked if I wanted to come over because she was feeling sick. And to bring her Ben & Jerry's.

Right.