Freudian Dreams "The Spy Who Shoved Me"

I actually hate when people tell me their dreams.

"Oh man, it was so weird! You have to listen to it."

And then they go off for like 10 mins. and the entire time you have to fake like it's interesting, when really... it's never as cool unless you're actually the one experiencing it.

But. The one I had last night was extremely bizarre and I think Freud would pop a chub over this bad boy. And I really don't think I had any dreams quite like this when I was dating.

And since it played out like a movie, I present it in screenplay format:

"THE SPY WHO SHOVED ME"

INT. BARRACKS OF A WWII GERMAN BATTLESHIP - NIGHT

Our hero, So@24, is fast asleep on a military cot.

Suddenly, a crack of light from a doorway pours over his face. Someone has entered the room.

The intruder's hand clamps over So@24's mouth and as a result, his eyes shoot open in a panic. He begins to struggle but sees that it's his covert comrade FRAULINE BETH, a blond, voluptuous, spy with an eye patch. She has her finger to her lips, "sssh-ing" him.

So@24, sensing the urgency, scrambles as fast as he can to get into his German military fatigues, but Beth grabs him by the collar pullinh as he's shoving his leg into his pants.

EXT. DECK - NIGHT

Beth has pressed So@24 up against the railing of the deck. Other than the waves of the Atlantic lapping against the ship, it's quiet. Stars are unusually bright.

So@24
Beth! What is this all about?? You're going to get us killed.
If the Germans find out we're working together as spies;
we're dead.
How can you be so careless??

Beth doesn't say a word, but takes a step closer.

A beat.

They embrace.

So@24 isn't quite sure what to make of this strange turn of events. His eyebrows furrow in confusion, but eventually his eyes shut and he enjoys the moment.

The kiss doesn't last long. Suddenly, Beth pulls back and then palms his face like a basketball.

So@24
What the--

A smarmy smile spreads across Beth's face and with her arm extended and with a flick of her wrist, she shoves So@24 over the railing.

So@24
Nooooooooooooooo!

We hear a sickening splash. Beth pulls a thin cigarette from her breast pocket and lights up.

Fade to black.

Cockblockin' Dreams

Ever since the break up, I have had really bizarre sex dreams. Some dreams involving Lynn, others not. But for the most part they are your standard sex dream, until it actually gets down to sealing the deal.

I woke up at 5:14 this morning after waking up from one of these gems. It involved one of my friends from college (pretty random). We're in the midst of ripping eachother's shirts off and suddenly she suddenly decides she needs to take a shower. Right at that moment. It needs to happen. And she doesnt even offer me to join. Suddenly, my cousin Mimi and some of our friends come back from the bar. I'm shirtless in my lucky Polar Bear boxers and my face is red as a rooster.

This isnt an abnormal. I have been having these awkward dreams with this same outcome for months now. I'm cockblocked in my own sex dream every single time.

What would Freud say about that?





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Now playing: Hawk Nelson - The One Thing I Have Left
via FoxyTunes

It's Going to Be One of Those, Huh?

2:48 am My cell phone vibrates on my footlocker.

"What the fuck?"

It's from a number I don't recognize and I answer it (with my best zombie impression).

Hol. Lee. Shit. It's Lynn. She wants to see how I'm doing and what I've been up to. I sit straight up and no amount of coffee could wake me up as much as I am now. My stomach is doing a million somersaults.

"Wow, why are you calling so late?"
"I dunno... I can't sleep I guess."

7:30 am Our conversation is cut short suddenly by a shitty midi of Weezer's Say It Ain't So. What the fuck?

It's my cell phone's alarm clock and it's time for me to throw on some wrinkled jeans and head to work. That entire sequence was a dream. Fucking dreams. I woke up swearing that was real. The problem is, you can't control them or what they are going to be about.

Talk about the shittiest way to start out a Monday. With a mouth full of toothpaste foam, I'm just laughing at my reflection in disbelief.

8:20 am I'm back in my driveway. I had to turn around and get my CD face.

8:22 am For some reason (probably when I was drunk), I took my house key off it's ring and left it inside. I'm locked out.

8:26 am I jimmy open our window and crawl in (hopefully no potential burglars saw my "secret entrance"). I find my CD face under a pile of clothes.

12:30 pm It's my job to pick up the company lunch order for the weekly Monday meeting. That's always sweet. I get all the way to Subway and I forget the company card. Still rattled by my dream this morning.

12:53 pm Back at Subway. Carrying 2 bags full of Subway. Waiting for the order, Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars comes over the outdoor mall's loudspeakers. You have got to be fucking kidding me. I have to walk across the entire mall with that song surrounding me.

1:10 pm I drop one of the bags accidentally. Sonofabitch. As I'm on all fours, scrambling to shove all the sandwiches back into the bags, I take a moment to look up at the sky and curse the Heavens.

6:06 pm I still have that depressing song stuck in my head.


It's going to be one of those.