... to Don Quixote. Pt. 2 of 2

A la' Billy Crystal in "When Harry Met Sally":

Please to repeat.

"I will read 'From Don Juan Pt. 1' before reading further"

Trust me, you'll be doing yourself a huge disservice by reading ahead without backstory.

We all set? Good. Let's continue.

* * *

Last Friday, I was in my cube busting out some serious Outlook shit when I got a text message from my friend May.

I didn't particularly like a lot of Lynn's friends in high school. But one that stood out was May. She's very blunt, sarcastic, crass and has the mouth of a sailor. She's good people to have around.

I still stay in contact with May and occasionally, she'll give me a call or text me to let me know she's in LA and meet up.

May's Text: Sorry this is last minute, but I'm in Pasadena. Do you want to meet up for a drink?
So@24's Text: Of course! Text me when you head to the bar.

I hadn't seen May for awhile, so I was excited for the reunion. I called up two of my buddies, Dave and Geoff to join me for drinks at my place before heading out.

Around 9:00, I get a text from May, "On my way! I should be there in 5!"

I wasn't in a rush. Dave and Geoff were still finishing their beers and it was still early. I didn't usher every one out of the door and into car until around 9:30.

On the road, I get a text from May, "Hey where are you??"

May is the type to get a little sassy at times and we have a playful banter so I shoot her one back, "Chill the fuck out, we're on our way!"

By the time we park, it's about 9:45. Dave, Geoff, and I head toward the bar. May calls me as we're walking up to the bar.

May: You here?
So@24: Yep, walking up now. Wait, you didn't pick a bar with cover did you? I never carry cash on me.
May: Uh... no. You should be fine.
So@24: Whew! See you in a bit!

As we step into the bar, I give a quick scan for May.

Nothing.

Must be in the bathroom.

Suddenly a girl stands up and addresses me, "So@24?"

So@24's Inner Monologue: Why does this girl look so familiar? Must be one of May and Lynn's friends that I met once and don't remember... better play it cool until I can place her.

So@24: Hey... you! Are we missing someone?
Girl: No...

It was at that very second that this happened...

Quick Idea of What's Going On in So@24's Brain in Approx .00456 Seconds

This was the Match.com girl who had emailed me earlier in the week asking me for drinks.

Her name also happened to be May. I just hastily put her in my phone and forgot about her.

Oh fuck.

My high school friend May was not in town. She did not text me.

Oh fuck.

This is technically a "date".

Oh fuck.

I'm wearing ratty jeans, a dirty tshirt and haven't shaved for two days.

Oh fuck.

I'm 45 mins late.

Oh fuck.

I texted this girl, "Chill the fuck out" when she asked where I was.

Oh fuck.

I just came off looking like a complete cheapskate by bitching about paying cover.

Oh fuck.

I brought two of my friends with me.

Analysis: I am a complete and total moron.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Quick decision! Damage Control! It was like red alert in my brain. The submarine was hit and was flooding quick. Tons of sailors were scrambling to keep their balance and shut all the valves. The sub was going down.

So@24: Hey! Nice to meet you. Let me grab you a drink! What are you drinking there?
May: Just a beer.
So@24: Alright, I'll be right back.

I grabbed a confused Dave and Geoff by the collar and dragged them with me to the far corner of the bar. I gave them a 20 second explanation of what's going on. They laughed hysterically.

I tossed Geoff the keys. "Sorry buddy, you're driving tonight. Bartender? A pitcher of Bud Light and a shot of Jack please."

* * *

Epilogue

The rest of the night actually wasn't so bad. She didn't seem pissed or annoyed with my jackassary (I kept checking with Dave to make sure that she seemed fine). I bought all her drinks for her and I never caught any sign that she caught on that I was completely oblivious. She didn't show any signs of being phased by the unusual situation. We hung out until closing time, but the banter was what I had expected... beige. -shruggy-

I felt terrible! Augh! I went into this situation hoping that I could show this girl a good time and that not all online dating sites have guys who are complete tools.

And I came out looking like a total dick. Complete, complete failure. Not that I was remotely interested in her to begin with, but still...

How was I supposed to explain my mistake to her? "Oh sorry, you weren't important enough to remember your name." I panicked! I didn't know what to do.

Ugh. Maybe I should give her a call?

If there was any doubt how clueless I am... I think this settles the score, wouldn't you say?

From Don Juan... Pt. 1 of 2

This one is a doozy.

A fucking doozy.

As you may recall, a while back Match.com offered me a free trial period if I would blog about my experiences. It was an epic failure and after I got eServed, I stopped going on the account completely. It wasn't until about two months ago when I noticed I was getting charged.

I logged back onto my account to sort those fuckers out, when I noticed I had an email from a girl.

Well, shit. It had been sitting in there, unopened for quite some time and I felt obligated to respond. After all, I had bitch n' moaned about girls never writing me back, so I wanted to do this for her.

I'm just going to come right out and say that she wasn't my cup of tea in both physical and personality departments. She was just kind of... vanilla. Plain Jane, nothing to write home about (I'm a dick. But an anonymous dick, so it's all good). Her interests included music, her favorite movie was The Notebook, and she loved reading US Weekly. It wasn't ever meant to be.

But she was nice enough to take the time and reach out to me so I wrote her back.

It was a delicate situation and I think I did a pretty good job of executing the whole, "Being courteous and polite, but not doing anything that might show her I'm at all interested." I kept my answers short, I never asked more about her.

And then I dusted my hands after I clicked "Send" thinking that would be the end of it. She'd walk away with a good feeling that a guy responded and I walk away feeling like Johnny fucking Appleseed, spreading good deeds everywhere.

This would not be the case.

She wrote me back an email. I waited for like 3 or 4 days before responding, thinking this might help give that friendly nudge that I wasn't that interested. Again, I wasn't a dick or anything, I just was very to the point and not inquisitive; very blah.

It wasn't until the next email she wrote me when things started to get a little... sticky. She ended her email with, "Well, I don't normally do this, but would you like to get drinks sometime?"

Well fuck.

I had to say "yes" at this point. Why? Because I ALSO complain about how girls don't take initiative and depend solely on guys to get the ball rolling. I didn't want to politely decline, only for the girl to chalk it up to me being freaked out that a girl asked me out and then to have her never ask a guy out again.

Drinks. Casual. Not that big of a deal. I can do this.

So I agree, but again, I make sure I'm not enthusiastic in my response. "Yeah sure. Text me or something next time you're out".

She gave me her number, I hastily threw it in my phone and went back to playing Mega Man 9 on the Wii.


...


To Be Continued.

Please Hammer, Don't Settle.

I've had this post rattling around in my brain for awhile now. I wasn't sure of how to go about writing it and I didn't want readers to think I was pandering to my audience. However, keep in mind when reading, it's really a selfish act on my part. It's more for me than anyone else.

I think the catalyst for this post comes from a few recent experiences. In a few days my trial period for my failed online dating profile expires, so I thought I'd dedicate one last evening to eBrowsing.

It just depressed the hell out of me. Not a single one out of this round was the least bit funny or witty. It was the same bland shit, but the worst part is... these girls thought they were being original. Apparently the only piece of reading material readily available in the city of Los Angeles is US Weekly. Really? You love sushi? Oh and you "work really hard, but also know how to party"? Music is important to you too, huh?

I think I actually took off my glasses and rubbed my bored eyes at one point before I closed the online dating window for the last time. I don't mean to be harsh. I also enjoy going out for uncooked fish. I don't care (that much) that you indulge in shitty celebrity gossip magazines, I can accept that... I have my guilty pleasures as well. I too am a guy who takes his career very seriously, but also likes to abuse my liver on weekends. But for fuck's sake, where's the funny? Where's the wit? Where's the effort?

The second catalyst came from an email from an author of one of the funniest blogs I've come across, Kim from whatclaudiawore. It's primarily a fashion blog; if I'm forced to categorize it. But if you take a moment to read, it's fucking hilarious. I don't give two shits about fashion, but her writing alone is worthy of an instant "bookmark". Trust me.

Kim wrote to me asking for my thoughts on a dating situation she found herself in. I won't go into details, but I found myself shocked that a girl with her sense of humor had any trouble at all with the dating scene. I don't know if I helped her out at all with my opinion on her situation, but I did stress to her at the end of my response, that if anything... the other guy should be stressing about being able to keep up with her quick wit. Not the other way around.

And I didn't just blow through that email. I actually found myself erasing entire paragraphs and starting over, because I felt I wasn't being funny enough in my response.

This is my plea to all the genuinely funny girls* out there. To the girls that have actually caused me to laugh out loud. Please. Pleasepleasepleaseplease. Don't settle for guys that don't appreciate your humor. They may be good looking, they may have that devil-may-care visage, they may be "nice enough", but if they "don't get you" than turn and run. Make them show up and play to your level.

You're too rare of a resource to be wasted on mediocre dudes. Let the unfunny girls be with the unfunny guys. And don't feel sorry for them, there are plenty of both to go around; they won't be lonely for long. That's the way it should be; we have classes for a reason people!

I've seen it happen too many times. A girl ends up with a guy who has no idea how hilarious she is naturally. Sometimes, even the girl has no clue that she is funny. And each time I see this tragic scenario I do a Captain Jean Luc Picard face palm:

Yeah. One of these.

I want Violet to be able to strategize with her next boyfriend about how they are going to survive the zombie apocalypse. I even want Beth to whisper in the ear of a boy her secret fantasy of having relations on Snick's Big Orange Couch and have the guy know exactly what she's talking about. I don't want Lynn to try and explain to deaf ears why purchasing Hostess' Snowballs purely for the sake of smushing them in your barehands is fun.

Girls. You few-and-far-between, hilarious girls. Don't settle for just being eye candy. I'm not saying that your boys have to funny, I'm just saying that they have to legitmately think YOU are funny.

I think I feel so passionately about this subject, because it's a fear that I have too. The same paranoia I have for you, I have for myself. I worry that Future So@24 is going to go into panic mode and just pick someone just because I feel fortunate enough to find someone who shows interest in me and is "kinda cute". I don't want that. I want a funny girl.

Hey. Let's both not settle.

Deal?

While there are moments of disbelief, I don't despair. There are those who despair when single -- they feel compelled to find the one, move in, get married. I see my tenure in singlehood as exercise in the refinement of taste. When I choose, I know it'll be a fuck-all great choice. So yeah. I'm going to take my sweet ass time.

- Leo, via gchat

* Dizz, Saratoga Jean, D... you're just some of the few I'm looking at.
** The title of this entry was a play off MC Hammer's hit album "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em"

I Think I Got eServed

Question.

How do you know for sure when you get the shaft from an internet dating girl?

Allow me to quickly recap the events in quick, convenient bullet points:

1. I write her an initial email
2. She actually writes a nice email back
   
3. I write her.
4. She writes back:

   "Hey So@24,
   
   Wanted to let you know that I got your e-mail and intend to write back--been swamped the last couple days! I'll write more as soon as i can.
   
   Take care
   Mel"
   

5. I write back:

   "Hey no problem, I'm sure it's hectic with midterms coming up. Get back to me when things calm down."

6. That was 9 days ago.

Did I just get fucking eServed?


So now what? Do I wait longer? I feel that 9 days is a long time. I'm not being overly sensitive to this, am I?

Do I email back a follow up? A friendly reminder of, "Hey remember me?? The one you were pretty chummy with?"

Do I just let her go to wander off into the wilderness like an old house cat searching for a place to die?

I also know myself and it'll drive me crazy if I don't figure out, "Why the french dip did I get the eBoot??"



If I hear another girl make the complaint, "Guys are the ones who always say they are going to call and they don't!"; a kidney punch may be in order.

Guess Who Got An Email?

That's right, kids.

I finally got an email back from someone on an online dating website.

However, I can't take 100% credit for this. Because I was so close to giving up... I decided to sit shotgun and give a fellow blogger with whom I've struck a good friendship with, the reigns to my runway online dating stagecoach.

Armed with my username and password (she made fun of my password; a nickname that my ex girlfriend Lynn gave me high school, it's been my go-to password for years), Dolce donned her deerstalking cap and was immediately on the case. She started looking up profiles for me. Some snipits of our convo:

Dolce: So, it's asking if you have a favorite body part? Boobs aren't an option.

Dolce: This search criteria! I'm surprise they don't ask for a sperm an blood sample. Fuck!

Dolce: How about the girls who cropped out guys with their arm around their shoulders. Seriously? Your post about how you want to teach these girls how to pick a proper pictures only scratched the surface.

Dolce: Oh God. I've just become your personal screener. I want to see more emails in that outbox! Get to it!

* * *

I needed a fresh pair of eyes. Dolce did a great job filering girls with the descriptions I gave to her. Thank you, dear friend!

I believe out of the 20 girls Dolce picked, I emailed 5 of them that evening. I sent the following email to one of the girls: a cute 5'2", brunette, atheist getting her masters in psychology. Um. Yes please?

Hey there,

I've heard a statistic that girls on online dating sites get something like 50 emails a day. I'm in shock. But I'll try and wrap this up as fast as possible while trying to make a good impression.

Stumbled upon your profile and I had to shoot you an email. There are a ton of things you mentioned on your profile that I found myself nodding to. Love that you're in the psychology field, although I was a sociology major. I still will read a ton of psych texts (I finished Raising Cain for my second time a few weeks ago).

I too love to go out and grab dinner and drinks, trying out new places. I've had a recent obsession with checking out restaurants in Los Feliz, but I haven't ventured out to Silverlake yet.

I've babbled on long enough. Check out my profile and if I sound interesting at all (crosses fingers!) please feel free to write me back.

Best,
So@24

Short, simple, and I named some things I found on her profile that I found interesting. Sounded like a pretty good equation to follow. The next morning I received the following email from her:

Hey So@24,

Aww, you're e-mail was so sweet! I read your profile and you are so funny (I mean that in a good way!). I love your bullet-pointed reasons why someone should go out with you. Very cute.

So you're HAPA, huh? That's amazing--I've met few guys that share the biracial Asian thing in common. Do you consider yourself bicultural as well? I read an interesting book by Maria Root that discusses the unique struggles of forming an identity when you're from two different ethnic/cultural backgrounds.

I think that's great that you're into psych! I find sociology interesting as well. You may have figured this out, but I am a psychotherapist intern at a couple places and I am finishing my master's in marriage and family therapy. What exactly do you do for a living?

I too am more familiar with Los Feliz than Silverlake, though I am getting to know the latter better now that one of my friends moved there. Where else do you frequent? Well, I gotta run, but I'll catch up with you later. :)

Take care,
Mel

The moment I read that, I got up from my chair and busted out one of these:

I plan on writing back something to her shortly. This is the closet I've come a real date in 2 years since my break up with Lynn. But who knows what will come from this?

Maybe nothing. She might actually just have an online dating profile in order to lure in single male bloggers under the guise of an evening filled with romance only to sedate them with drugs back in her dank lair to harvest their tender organs and sell them on the black market as profit to feed her insatiable heroin habit.

Or she may not.

I hope it's the latter.

I Never Felt Ugly Until I Started Online Dating

I'm officially not keen on online dating. It does NOT get So@24's official signature of approval.

Suck my balls online dating. Suck. My. Balls.

Here's the process I feel that most people (including myself) go through.

Step 1: You're single
Step 2: Find yourself dateless for a long time
Step 3: Give up on meeting anyone decent in real life
Step 4: Wait a few more months
Step 5: Reluctantly try setting up an online dating profile

Let me take a moment to speak directly to my fellow single homies:

If you think you're a failure for not making it in the real life dating scene? Wait until you fail at the online dating scene.

All the excuses you give yourself in real life to make you feel better are thrown out the window entirely. E.g. "Oh, she probably has a boyfriend" or "She probably didn't a good look at me because the bar was too dark" or "She didn't want to leave her group of friends and ruin girl's night".

I'm too ashamed to even announce on my own anonymous dating blog how many emails I sent out to girls (okay okay, less than 15, more than 5) only to get absolutely NOTHING back.

The worst part is, online dating let's you know every step of their move; no room for doubt. They actually TELL you when they read your email.

It soon becomes an obsession: whydidn'ttheywriteback?whydidn'ttheywriteback?whydidn'ttheywriteback?whydidn'ttheywriteback?whydidn'ttheywriteback?

They clearly read my carefully thought out email! How picky are these girls?? It's not like I am sending out a million emails saying "lemme see dem titties." I thought my emails weren't half bad!

I never thought I was an unattractive guy (except for that was that one time). But online dating has made me question everything about me. I'd even go so far as to say it's a much more brutal process; in which you are given a once over and then quickly tossed aside. Your looks are everything, right? You can't help but think that these broads are doing a quick glance at your profile and thinking, "OMG. Pass!"

I'm a fucking figment of J.R.R Tolkien's imagination. These girls are shrieking like cheerleaders and tossing the nearest vial of Holy Water on the computer screen.

And if that's not bad enough, the ONLY person who has "IM'd" (unprovoked, mind you) me is a 19 year old girl who has the most cliche'd alone-in a bathroom mirror with my cellphone-gritty-MySpace pics ever.

19 Year Old: hAi sWeEtIe hOw aRe yOu?"
So@24: Oh hey. Great, how about you?"
19 Year Old: GOOD

Long Pause

So@24: I should take off, I'm actually heading out to a friend's place.
19 Year Old: O! Kewl!!! tAlK tO yOu sOoN kay???


sigh.

Are You There Online Dating Girls? It's Me, So@24.

It's almost been a week since I inched my way and gingerly peeked over the edge on the online dating high dive. And then some freckle faced fat kid wearing Body Glove shorts shoved me.

I've decided to share my first impressions so far, although it's only been a week into this magical world of Narnia. I gotta say, I imagined it'd be smooth sailing and I'd be laying back, noshing on Turkish Delight (another Narnia reference, remember when that kid eats those? What the fuck are those anyway? Alright moving along). But...

Online dating isn't as easy as I thought it would be.

1. All the more attractive & fun girls tend to not be active. I swear, 9/10 times I'm scanning through pages and pages of girls and when I land on one to get a closer inspection... they haven't been active in 3 weeks. What's with that?

2. I know I'm not supposed to make a big deal of it, but I must say it's a little disheartening to see that EVERY, SINGLE girl has her ideal height in a date as "At least 5'11"". It really frosts my apricots.

3. I wish there was a way I could sit down with some of these girls face to face and explain to them what makes a decent profile picture. Take off those damn sunglasses. Most telling feature is your eyes!

Worse than just sunglasses? A sunglasses AND a giant, floppy beach hat.

Worse than that? A picture of you taken from 500 ft away standing on a mountain top. I can't see shit. It's like someone asking me, "So which is more attractive? This Lego character with the red snap on wig? Or the Lego character holding the giant gold pirate coin?" I can't tell! They are minuscule Lego characters!

Worse than that? A picture of an extreme close up of just half of your face and "random" aka strategically placed shit scattered on your bed. E.g. a copy of "A Million Little Pieces", an open box of Altoids, and your pink iPod. That's great all that stuff defines you. But really, I'd like to see your face. More than half of it.

4. Composing emails to send to girls is surprisingly difficult. I'm stressing more over these than my blue book exams in college. This is the first impression and I'm sure a million other guys are writing emails to them as well. How do you stand out?

5. I've been pleasantly surprised that there are actually cute girls on here. And one girl had in her profile that she still has a crush on Robin from Disney's version of "Robin Hood". That shit cracked me up. It's comforting to know that there are funny girls out there that aren't taken yet.

6. La Dolce Vita: You for one, sir, are very, very, very picky. This is in NO WAY a negative, it's just that with having a very high opinion of who is attractive it offers less of who is available in the market.

I hate when she's right.

7. I got really excited when I saw that I had my FIRST email! Holy shit! But then I realized that it was a blogger who had signed onto her old profile just to track me down. The email was nice, but fuck that was a cocktease!

* * *

Those are my impressions of my first week with online dating. So far, I haven't been sold. I thought this would be like shooting fish in a barrel. Not that I'm saying that girls are aquatic sea creatures, nor do I want to aim firearms at them... but you get the phrase.

It's still early. But I'm not known for my patience.

If I fail at online dating... I don't know what I'm going to do.

"F*ck it! We'll Do It Live!"

First off. Huge thank you to everyone who took the time out to sit down and bust out some fresh, ill and downright funky comments on helping me construct an online dating profile. Couldn't have done it without you guys, fo sho!

Well my profile is live now. It's up. It's running. Shit be real.

And I've received some activity so far. It's not anything to start giggling like a Japanese school girl about, but it's something.

So far, two 19 year old girls have "winked" at me. I gotta tell you, I am completely baffled what "winking" is. I'm assuming it's the equivalent to "poking" on Facebook. I question how effective this is though, because the girls I know get cold shivers down their spine when they receive a "poke" from someone they don't know.

But maybe it's different with an online dating site? Maybe it's expected; what you're supposed to do?

My other initial thought: what the fuck are 19 year olds doing on a dating website?? These girls should be in their prime! Making friends while playing flip cup in preparations for a college dance! Piecing together the events of the night while walking home from a one night stand!

In any case, 19 is a little too young for me. It was flattering to get any attention whatsoever, I will admit, but I didn't know what to do back. Do you write an email? Do you give a sympathy "wink" back? But I noticed that there was an option that said something along the lines of "Let them know you aren't interested".

I clicked on that link anticipating that it would allow me to construct some type of response letting them down gently. But no. It just says, "We've now informed them you're not interested"

Shit. Shit! I feel terrible! These girls put themselves digitally out there and I just rejected them with a swift click of my mouse. What did they get!? An eHug? An iThinkWe'reJustFriends? Bahhh!

That's all I got so far. More to come!

You'll Help Me w/ My Online Dating Profile, Right? Pt. 4: The Profile Pic

I toiled for a few days over this decision... whether or not to remove everyone's favorite blue bars for this very specific post.

However, I didn't want to go down the path of KISS and reveal my makeup. The mystery is all for naught. What if you found out that the Gorillaz aren't really cartoon electronica musicians? Or if RS27 was no longer symbolized by two hastily drawn Indian dudes high-fiving each other. Wouldn't some of that magic be gone? You get the idea.

So although you won't be able to get THE BEST indication of these pictures (after all, the eye are everything), you can get a general sense of what they are. And then you can rip them to shreds. This are the top pictures my friends have recommended and I now show them to you:

Pic 1

This is a classic. The one that you're most used to seeing. Everyone loves a chuckle-y, candid picture right? And I hear girls love guys with big... watches.

Pic 2

This is me in my true form. Yes. That's a box of Pabst, a bottle of Smirnoff, and a large liter of red (Punch). Behind the blue bar shields my tears of joy. I think that my glasses are a nice touch.

Pic 3

I was told by a couple of friends that this one of their favorites. And a couple of others that having my baby nephew in the picture gave off the impression that:

a. I'm trying too hard
b. It's too obvious I'm trying to impress (girls + guy good with babies = TOTALLY IN BRA!)
c. Might think that I actually HAVE a child

Cooky, show me some love here.

Pic 4

I thought this one was just a funny picture. My friend Leslie bought me an Acceptance tshirt that was clearly a size too small. I wore it out when she was in town as a joke.

* * *

Okay. Those were the Top 5 picked from a few friends of mine. I, once again, throw myself at the mercy of the readers.

Pick which one goes up and then my profile goes live!


Who knew constructing the ultimate online dating profile would be so much work? Time for a beer.

You'll Help Me w/ My Online Dating Profile, Right? Pt. 3: The Profile Redux!

Hoo doggy.

Lemme tell you, it's a little overwhelming to wake up at 10:00 to a mailbox FULL of comments with readers' opinions on how to tweak a profile.

You guys didn't hold back and gave it to me straight. And for that, thank you!

Revision 1: The Part About Drinking

Also, apparently you guys think I'm a raging alchy. Huh. Which is fine, I guess. Just because I'm 25 and out of college doesn't mean I'm dead. However, I think that I mention booze a lot because:

1. It's easy to make self-deprecating jokes about getting hammered and
   
2. I've found that girls that like to drink are the ones who don't take themselves too seriously and are more outgoing. Maybe I'm full of shit?
   

But I toned it down! See below.

Revision 2: The F*cking Part About Offensive Swearing

That was just a miscommunication on my part as the blogger. I know better than to swear like a sailor when trying to put my best foot forward with the fairer sex. I do it on my blog a fair bit, but not on a public profile! The swearing that some of the confused readers read was just my personal commentary to YOU guys, not what I actually put on the profile. I made the changes on that post for clarity.

Revision 3: The Tagline

Thanks to those of you who shared my pain with me on this section. It's ridiculous how hard it is to think of something good. Most of you didn't like what I had before (although SOME did), so here is what I settled on:

"Finding the perfect girl is like finding the Indian with the shooting star on Tootsie Pop wrappers"

Revision 4: The Height Thing

A funny and interesting dynamic between male readers and female readers was exposed in this area. Most females told me to be straight up and honest (not even an inch!): I need to say 5'3".

The guys (all 3 of you) said that it was more beneficial for me to say 5'4"... giving me that crucial inch to bring the ladies a-runnin'.

I'll let you guys ponder about the reasons why that is...

I put 5'3". I didn't want to, but the people have spoken!

Revision 5: The Final Product

Alright here it is. I tried to take a little bit from everyone's comments to create the ultimate profile. Think of me as the Green Ranger busting out my badass flute and with everyone's help we put the final piece on the Online Dating Megazord.

Check it out and let me know what you think:

Hot Spots: I've developed an obsession with eating out at restaurants in Los Feliz. I haven't lived in Burbank very long, so I'm at a loss for "hot spots". As far as traveling outside of the US, I'd love to do it eventually it's just these pesky college loans

Religion: Atheist. Very respectful of others' beliefs as long as they aren't proselytizing.

For Fun: On weekends you'll catch me out laughing at some lame joke with my good friends. I may or may not be busting out a karaoke classic. However, a night in reading or watching a movie is never considered a wasted night. I am an MS Paint guru.

My Own Words: If someone would have told me 2 years ago I'd be sitting here stressing out about how to describe myself to AnonymousDatingSite.com, I would have taken their 8th rum & coke away.

But here I am times are a changin'. Online dating is the norm these days, I suppose! I have a close group of friends in LA, but I've found it's harder to meet new people outside of college.

For as long as I can remember, I always thought that 25 year old males lived in apartments with all black furniture, a mini bar, and glass coffee tables. Sexy cocktail parties would be frequent. How wrong I was. Maybe that's true for some, but not me.

Top Reasons to Consider Going Out With Me

* Ability to have a conversation without excessive use of the word "dude."
* Won't embarrass you in public. (*Actual results may vary.)
* Random quotes from obscure movies for every situation.
* I don't own sweatpants.
* You might as well get out of the house while waiting for the next season of "Grey's"

So, basically I'm looking to test the dating waters after a little bit of a layoff. If you've read this far, I already have a crush on you.

Drop me a line if you're interested. Thanks for reading!

So I guess I'm looking for someone attractive, funny and smart (Who isn't right? Just call me "Cap'n Cliche") for some interesting conversation. A great sense of humor is undervalued these days. Someone who is serious about her career, but won't shy away from spontaneously going out on a weeknight. A girl that can drop an old school Nickelodeon reference will always cause my heart to skip a beat. And a girl who enjoys naps. I love naps.

* * *

Okay! Round two! Thanks guys!


Next Post: The Profile Pic (this time for sure)

You'll Help Me w/ My Online Dating Profile, Right? Pt. 2: The Profile

Alright, remember that part where I said I'd write 3 different options and then have everyone vote?

I realized that's a lot of fucking work. And I'm a lazy, lazy man.

Instead, I am just going to cut and paste what I've written and you give me feedback (after Leo has given it a quick once-over, of course). I know you guys well enough to know that you won't hold back. If there is something that stands out that makes me look like a fucking tool... tell me. If you think something is particularly witty, hey... we all love positive feedback!

On your mark. Get set. Let's rock this bitch.

But first let me grab my King Cobra. I don't know why I'm so nervous about this...

There's been a bit of confusion. I will designate everything I put in the profile in QUOTES. Everything else is just my commentary to you guys!

Part 1: Physical Appearance

Best Feature: They ask you what Your Best Feature is. Such an unfair question. I mean, I feel like a total douchebag for having to actually point this out. I do get compliments on my eyes, so I guess I'll go with that.

Really puts that classic blue bar in perspective, doesn't it?

I put "Eyes".

Height: Goddammit. I knew this question was coming. I really, really don't want to put 5'3". I mean, I can be 5'4" if I wear the right shoes... does that count??

Sigh.

I put "5'3""

Part 2: The Part About Drinking

I think it's bullshit that the only options they give are "Never", "Socially; 1 or 2 drinks", and "Regularly.

I certainly drink in social situations, but who only drinks 1 or 2?? Fucking liars, that's who. But if I put "Regularly", I look like a complete wineo. Thoughts?

I put "Social Drinker"

Part 3: Tagline

"It's tough out here, kids."

Part 4: About Me

"If someone would have told me 2 years ago I'd be sitting here stressing out about how to describe myself on a dating website, I would have taken their 8th rum & coke away.

But here I am. Times they are a changin'. My best friend and roommate ever since i moved to LA is traveling the world, so I thought this would be a good of an excuse as any to start meeting new people.

I'm always down to meet interesting and intelligent girls. A great sense of humor is undervalued these days. I'd like to meet a girl who is serious about her career, but won't shy away from spontaneously going out on a weeknight. Oh and naps. She must love naps.

This should be good enough for now, but I'll think of something really good (tolerable). I just need time!"

Part 5: For Fun

"Any Friday or Saturday night, you'll catch me at the bars laughing at some lame joke with my good friends. I may or may not be busting out a karaoke classic (not the cliche'd stuff either). I try to get in a game of soccer every once in awhile."

Part 6: Favorite Hot Spots

"I've developed an obsession with eating out at restaurants in Los Feliz. I'm a weekend warrior; I like to round up the troop and hit the bars. I haven't lived in Burbank very long, so I'm at a loss for "hot spots"."

Part 7: Favorite Things

Movies: Eternal Sunshine, Shawshank, Miyazaki films, Royal Tenenbaums, anything Pixar
TV: Freaks and Geeks, Adventures of Pete & Pete, Ghost Writer, Strangers w/ Candy
Music: Weezer, Decemberists, Beatles, embarassing old school punk
Last Read: Blankets. Picked it up as a recommendation from a friend and it blew my expecations. Quick read, I recommend it

* * *

Alright guys. Thar she be. Give it to me straight. You have some homework to do.




Next Post: The dreaded choosing which pictures you show off to the world.

You'll Help Me w/ My Online Dating Profile, Right? Pt. 1: The Plunge

That's right.

I'm fucking doing it, mo fos.

A few reasons for taking that digital plunge:

1. My post
   
2. A recent flurry of friends and bloggers have been trying to convince me to do so
3. With Leo leaving, me moving... I'm in a weird state of ch-ch-changes. Maybe it's time to do something bold.
4. My friend Michelle called my ass out for "never taking any initiative" and "always waiting for the girls to come to me".
   
5. It has the potential to be hilarious, I could use the blogging fodder
6. I have more game online than I do in real life.
   
7. Besides, what kind of dating blog exists without the blogger going on a single date in almost 2 years?

I've been asking a lot of people their opinions on Online Dating. It seems to be the norm. Or at least normal, sane, attractive people are doing it.

Times are a changin'.
The cavemen clubbed their hunnies unconscious and drug them back to their bachelor pads.
The Ancient Greeks got all up in their lil slave boys.
Victorian gentlemen impressed the parents of their love with a dowry.
Then you had awkward fumblings in the back seat of a jalopy on Make Out Lane after a sock hop.
Psychedelic drugs helped things move along in the age of free love.

Now we have internet dating. Right? I mean... right?

I dunno though. I'm still embarrassed about this whole thing. I feel like an ashamed 12 year old who just discovered masturbation... trying to casually ask his buddies if they do it too.

Here's where I need your help!

I am going to dedicate a post to each question the dating site asks me to fill out.

I will post 3 possible answers I want to submit and have a vote as to which one should make the final cut.

Therefore, you'll be taking this awkward step with me. And if I fail, I can blame you. It's win win.

I thought it'd be fun and interactive step in the blog (much like Number Munchers in elementary school). If it turns out readers don't like this idea, I'll scrap it altogether.


So, will you help me?

Leo: Uncle Leo is intrigued, but a bit hesitant. It's like that super cute girl at the bar who is just a hair's breadth past "sexy" into "skanky". Could be fun. Or contagious.