Why I Blog

I'm always grateful to get letters from readers.

The idea that people are actually sitting down and taking time out of their day to type out a well though out email is extremely flattering. I'm always shocked when I see a new email pop up in the ol' So@24 mailbox.

Most of the emails I receive are people asking me for advice. 99.9% come from the female community and they will tell me about a current dilemma they are having with a guy and ask me to weigh in with my opinion. I'm always happy to analyze the situation and share my two cents, but I can't help but chuckle to myself that these girls are trusting me with their romance dilemmas.

I'm tempted to respond with, "Have you READ my blog? Am I the person you really want to be going to for relationship advice??

I digress. I actually wanted to talk about an email that arrived in my mailbox yesterday that caused me to do a double take.

I've mentioned this before, but I believe it deserves repeating. When I originally started this blog, I actually intended it to be a tool for men to use that have just recently gotten out of a long term relationship. Not only did I want to keep a personal record of the steps I took and the experiences I went through to go from 6 year relationship to single to a successful relationship; I wanted other guys to see that it was possible too.

I received the following email from a guy named Justin. I wanted to share it with my readers and to say, "thank you".

Thanks for reminding me why I blog.

Best,
So@24

* * *

Hey So@24,

I am sure this isn't the first thank you note you have received, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your journey in recovering from a long term relationship. I have been reading your "mini stories" for couple hours now (while I should be studying for midterms) and words can't describe how your blog has touched me.


It has been 9 months since my first girlfriend broke up with me, although I am getting stronger everyday, from time to time I will stumble and think about her and all the memories we hold. I know I am not fully moved on but like you have heard many times, time heals all wounds.


In your passages I really felt like I was in your position numerous amounts of time, like I was actually in your shoes. I guess in some ways I am. But your blog has showed me something that none of my friends or family were able to do, which is the light at the end of the tunnel. Its funny how you are just one person in the world with a simple little blog yet you don't know what you have done for many people in this similar situation.


You have sparked my interest to start my own blog, something that will get my emotions out and hopefully help me reach the end of the tunnel.


I want to keep this short, but thanks for sharing this part of your life, you have no idea how much your stories have helped me take another step to healing from my break up and I am sure there are many other individuals that have benefited from your blog as well.


Justin

Please Hammer, Don't Settle.

I've had this post rattling around in my brain for awhile now. I wasn't sure of how to go about writing it and I didn't want readers to think I was pandering to my audience. However, keep in mind when reading, it's really a selfish act on my part. It's more for me than anyone else.

I think the catalyst for this post comes from a few recent experiences. In a few days my trial period for my failed online dating profile expires, so I thought I'd dedicate one last evening to eBrowsing.

It just depressed the hell out of me. Not a single one out of this round was the least bit funny or witty. It was the same bland shit, but the worst part is... these girls thought they were being original. Apparently the only piece of reading material readily available in the city of Los Angeles is US Weekly. Really? You love sushi? Oh and you "work really hard, but also know how to party"? Music is important to you too, huh?

I think I actually took off my glasses and rubbed my bored eyes at one point before I closed the online dating window for the last time. I don't mean to be harsh. I also enjoy going out for uncooked fish. I don't care (that much) that you indulge in shitty celebrity gossip magazines, I can accept that... I have my guilty pleasures as well. I too am a guy who takes his career very seriously, but also likes to abuse my liver on weekends. But for fuck's sake, where's the funny? Where's the wit? Where's the effort?

The second catalyst came from an email from an author of one of the funniest blogs I've come across, Kim from whatclaudiawore. It's primarily a fashion blog; if I'm forced to categorize it. But if you take a moment to read, it's fucking hilarious. I don't give two shits about fashion, but her writing alone is worthy of an instant "bookmark". Trust me.

Kim wrote to me asking for my thoughts on a dating situation she found herself in. I won't go into details, but I found myself shocked that a girl with her sense of humor had any trouble at all with the dating scene. I don't know if I helped her out at all with my opinion on her situation, but I did stress to her at the end of my response, that if anything... the other guy should be stressing about being able to keep up with her quick wit. Not the other way around.

And I didn't just blow through that email. I actually found myself erasing entire paragraphs and starting over, because I felt I wasn't being funny enough in my response.

This is my plea to all the genuinely funny girls* out there. To the girls that have actually caused me to laugh out loud. Please. Pleasepleasepleaseplease. Don't settle for guys that don't appreciate your humor. They may be good looking, they may have that devil-may-care visage, they may be "nice enough", but if they "don't get you" than turn and run. Make them show up and play to your level.

You're too rare of a resource to be wasted on mediocre dudes. Let the unfunny girls be with the unfunny guys. And don't feel sorry for them, there are plenty of both to go around; they won't be lonely for long. That's the way it should be; we have classes for a reason people!

I've seen it happen too many times. A girl ends up with a guy who has no idea how hilarious she is naturally. Sometimes, even the girl has no clue that she is funny. And each time I see this tragic scenario I do a Captain Jean Luc Picard face palm:

Yeah. One of these.

I want Violet to be able to strategize with her next boyfriend about how they are going to survive the zombie apocalypse. I even want Beth to whisper in the ear of a boy her secret fantasy of having relations on Snick's Big Orange Couch and have the guy know exactly what she's talking about. I don't want Lynn to try and explain to deaf ears why purchasing Hostess' Snowballs purely for the sake of smushing them in your barehands is fun.

Girls. You few-and-far-between, hilarious girls. Don't settle for just being eye candy. I'm not saying that your boys have to funny, I'm just saying that they have to legitmately think YOU are funny.

I think I feel so passionately about this subject, because it's a fear that I have too. The same paranoia I have for you, I have for myself. I worry that Future So@24 is going to go into panic mode and just pick someone just because I feel fortunate enough to find someone who shows interest in me and is "kinda cute". I don't want that. I want a funny girl.

Hey. Let's both not settle.

Deal?

While there are moments of disbelief, I don't despair. There are those who despair when single -- they feel compelled to find the one, move in, get married. I see my tenure in singlehood as exercise in the refinement of taste. When I choose, I know it'll be a fuck-all great choice. So yeah. I'm going to take my sweet ass time.

- Leo, via gchat

* Dizz, Saratoga Jean, D... you're just some of the few I'm looking at.
** The title of this entry was a play off MC Hammer's hit album "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em"

It's Okay To Have Faith

I was talking to a reader today and she brought up a topic, very nonchalantly, about her faith in herself and her faith in men.

She spun me a story that I am all too familiar with and one that I imagine isn't a rare instance. She told me that she had just recently "given up" on a guy who she was extremely close with. They were more than just "buddies", he had told her how much he cared about her, and she had held out hope that they one day might be able to make something work.

You can see where this story is going, I'm sure. She waited. He fed her what she wanted to hear. Alas, nothing ever came from the friendship and she just recently had learned to let it go.

This reader was admitting to me that she was humiliated by herself for believing that what he was telling her had merit. And this got me thinking about my own experience.

I told her that she should not be embarrassed about her actions. It's not her fault and it's actually "okay" to have faith that people have good intentions. You can't go around always suspecting that people have ulterior motives or have some kind of trick up their sleeve. Sometimes, you have to go with your gut or you'll always think back and wonder "what if".

It reminded me of my story with Beth.

I haven't mentioned her in awhile, because we haven't communicated since the wedding.

She was one of my best friends from college and one of the few people I really connected with. We stayed in a weird, friend limbo for years... but when I stepped up and started pointing out the goddamn elephant in the living room... nothing came of it.

Beth knew what to say to keep me coming back for more; she perfected the art of hinting that perhaps one day we'd be more than just best friends. I think that she knew if she didn't keep pumping what I wanted to hear into me, keeping me holding out for "maybe it'll happen...", she knew that the attention I shamelessly showered her with would eventually disintegrate.

Eventually, it takes something to make you realize that enough is enough. And I believe that something is different for everyone; you can't predict it. Waiting for words to turn into actions gets old. And the words that once made your heart pump at an unhealthy speed soon become words that make you want to wretch.

I think my "something" was the day I realized that it should never be this much work to have someone like you. If you're working too hard, it's never worth it. Who wants to be with someone you have to try and convince? To explain why it would be a great thing? What kind of "how we met story" is that?

"Well Timmy, your father just kept holding out, holding out, and being persistent as fuck even though I had kept avoiding the subject entirely."
-places hand on shoulder of father-
"And finally, after our 23rd discussion on why we should be together (actually it was more HIM talking than me, so I guess it's not really a discussion per se)... I finally threw my hands up in surrender! And here we are today. Want a cookie?"

My something was the day I realized I knew I could get a hold of someone (via text, Skype, or email) who lived across the Atlantic... more than I ever could with Beth. And it's not just me making the effort to talk, I find that I too, wake up with "Good morning!" texts and emails waiting for me. Beth and I had some great times together, but if I was going to be honest with myself... she really wasn't even a good friend, whether she really did have feelings for me or not.

* * *

I think a fair amount of people have the unfortunate luck of experiencing something like this. It's extremely humiliating to feel like you've been duped... that your instincts were dead wrong.

If I were to do it all over again, I would. Perhaps I wouldn't have let it last as long as I did before I put a foot down. But I don't regret at all giving someone a chance to prove me wrong. I'll continue to have faith that there are some people out there mean what they say and have good intentions. No regrets.

"Do What You Want."

I don't claim to be the best person to go for advice. Forgetting the lyrics to Salute Your Shorts? I'm your man. Need a random Daniel Tosh quote to add to your library of snappy comebacks? I can do that. Can't remember who sang "Silent Running" to add to your 80's dance party mix? Put on these headphones and set your ears to stunned (it's Mike and the Mechanics, btw).

But relationship advice? I don't think I'm a guru. However, it seems so simple to me. I thought about this while sitting in a booth with my friend Veronica as she spilled her guts about a current boy dilemma she was having. And then yesterday, a fellow blogger initiated a gchat conversation asking for my point-of-view on a male issue.

In both situations, as I took everything in, I couldn't help but think that these problems have a very simple solution. I am going to provide you with the golden rule, the magical key to Narnia...

Do what you want.

Most people wouldn't think that this is very good advice (Veronica certainly didn't). Allow me to break down my thought process.

I'm the type of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. I understand that this isn't the best method for everyone, but having to always second guess your actions and constantly holding your cards close to your chest while sweat pours down your brow is one of the things I detest about the dating scene.

I'll use a simple (and quite popular) case to illustrate my point. Girl wants to call guy up, but girl overthinks and processes of every possible scenerio what might go wrong. E.g. guy might be scared off, guy might never return phone call, guy might gouge eyes out like Oedipus, guy might chug a bottle of Draino and throw himself off of a penthouse balcony.

If you feel like calling someone. Call them. If you feel like asking them out again. Ask em.

I don't get why people constantly struggle over these things. What are they afraid of? If the guy really likes you, then he'll enjoy the phone call! If he gets annoyed, or scared off, or any other other emotions that I can't quite relate to in regards to a simple phone call... then is he really going to be the one that you want to see again?

These back and forth games of trying to figure out what the other person is thinking, anticipating their move and holding back what you want to do to is absurd to me. It's a shitty game of Risk. And I fucking hate Risk.

onward to unnecessary over-analysis!

If you want to do something just do it.

If the guy really likes you, he's not going to be weirded out by a phone call. He's going to look forward to it. If he's anything other than excited, then do you really want to be with this guy anyway?

Anyway.

That's my thought process.

Take it with a grain of a salt. After all, it is ME you're asking.

You wouldn't ask a multiple amputee to hold your beer, right?

Email from a Reader

Occasionally, I'm lucky enough to receive an email to my StartingOver@24 account. I always find myself amazed at how many people can relate the circumstances/musings that I write about and decide to take the time to actually sit down and write me an email. I'm flattered that these emails often spill to me (someone who you know only as two letters, an @ sign, and two numbers) some of their most intimate details of past relationships, horror stories on dating, etc.

So let me a moment to say "thank you" to all who have taken time to write.

An email I received not too long ago really struck me (more specifically her second to last paragraph) and I thought I'd share. Maybe because the circumstances are eerily similar to mine.

So@24,

I found you through my friend's blog. You'd written a comment on her PI Blog, but I saw the name and I just had to write.

6 years is a lot longer than 4. But I had a boyfriend all through my undergrad at UW and the summer after we graduated, was moving to California and we were going to break up.

I haven't gotten far enough into your blog to figure out why you and your girl split, but just your title: Starting Over at 24...Wow. It just made me think of when I started over at 22.

Being a girl, I assumed I would eventually marry that guy I had grown up with, fallen in love with, practically lived with for 4 years. Getting back to the scene was both the most liberating and scariest thing I've ever done.

I'm living in San Francisco now, and dating here is nonexistent. At least, I haven't been able to figure out the lingo in relation to the Seattle scene. You said to Jeanna that the Seattle scene seemed easier than LA; I think California in general is nearly impossible to "date" someone. I feel like, everyone sleeps together and drinks together but they never really get to know anyone?

All right. You probably get mail like this every day from silly girls who read your blog and fall in love with your sentiments. I just wanted to say that, I think it's great your documenting your journey. Reflecting on who you meet, what you see, how you feel is such a great way to actually fall in love again.

I wish you the best. And I'll keep reading about your adventures, if you don't mind.

- C

Speaking of emails, I thought I'd give you another chance to ask me anything to wanted. I recently had a poll and Fireside Friday will happen this week. And won't happen again for another couple of months.

So. That being said, feel free to furiously type away anything that's been gnawing away at that beautiful gray matter of your's.

Want me to elaborate on a certain post? Dying to see what Leo looks like in his most inebriated/classy state? Curious as to what ever happened to Crazy Janice? The ball is in your court! Just try to keep the questions within the theme of the blog, of course.

And if my mailbox turns up empty, let's just pretend this whole entry never happened.

I love you.

Ph.D. Ponderings

I became close friends with an acquaintance of mine in college about the time my relationship with Lynn ended. Riley's boyfriend had just ended their relationship and it was nice to be able to talk to someone who could relate to a similar situation, who asked the same questions, and didn't mind listening to me being an emo bitch for hours on end. It was a symbiotic friendship where we both helped each other out as best we could. We still occasionally check-in with each other every once in awhile and have heart to hearts when things are particularly rough.

Riley: do you have time for a mini h2h?
So@24: Of course. What's going on?
Riley: now its not all about greg, but more about my life in general. i'm trying to decide whether or not to get my phd and there are a lot of things to consider, but i can't help but think that guys are intimidated by smart girls
So@24: Where is all this coming from?
Riley: i'm starting to think i'm going to be single for a long time. i dont want to end up alone with my cat and my degree!
So@24: Where is this all coming from though? What sparked this all of a sudden?
Riley: b/c i'm being a stupid girl and still feel a little bit lonely
So@24: I know you aren't seriously considering giving up your degree because you think guys don't like brains... unless... is that what you're saying?? Besides, look how many dates you've been on and we're only 24.
Riley: if you meet me and i tell you i'm getting a phd, doesn't that freak guys out a little
So@24: No! Not in the least. And you have to ask yourself... do you want to really date someone who is freaked out by your phd??
Riley: ugh, i know i know
So@24: I mean, give me a break. Those guys are fucking dbags if that's the case.
Riley: dbags! youre right and i feel like i know all of this, but i just need to hear it sometimes. b/c sometimes i get discouraged and think that guys want smart girls, but not girls who are too smart
So@24: I would disagree with that. At least amongst myself and my circle of friends
Riley: seriously! you are right! what kind of guy doesn't like smart chicks
So@24: Feeling a little bit better?
Riley: yeah... thanks man. so what's about you? any love interests?
So@24: hahahahah, nope. Not at this time! Riley: well if i knew any girls i thought could keep up with you... i'd gladly send them So@24: I cant tell if thats a compliment or not
Riley: it totally is! you're smartie and quick on your feet. witty and full of energy! not many girls can keep up... at least the ones that i know
So@24: HAHAHA! I don't know about all of that, but thanks.