Meet Raul

Another evening. Another night out at the bars.

Leroy: Man, look at all the chicks here!
So@24: Who could you POSSIBLY be talking about?
Leroy: Look at those two girls over there. This is the night for you man, I know it!
So@24: It's a Wednesday, Leroy. And... getting down to brass tacks here, I'm not attracted to them physically. But I appreciate you looking out.
Leroy: Let me handle this, buddy.
So@24: No wait! I don't...

And much like the last time my loyal roommate tried to "get" girls for me, he was off to the races... leaving me shaking my head in disbelief before I could object.

Leo and I continued to converse when in mid-conversation, I could see that Leo's eyes wander over my shoulder and widen.

Leo: Oh shit. You have to see this.
So@24: Fuck me. What is it now?

My eyes follow Leo's finger to Leroy. Leroy is at the bar, giving one of the two girls a massage.

A massage? Really?

Leo and I clink our pints in a cheers and picked up where we left off (probably some really engrossing dick joke).

Leroy runs over, excited like a little boy in a candyshop.

Leroy: Alright, you're in! Come on, let's go talk to them.
So@24: Leroy, I told you I wasn't interested in those girls. And besides, why did you give them a massage!?
Leroy: I told them I was a masseuse. And you are my apprentice. Your name is "Raul".
So@24: Raul!?
Leroy: Raul. And remember, we're professional masseuses!
So@24: Time to leave. I'm driving!

Meeting Bloggers Can Prepare You For The Real Thing

If you would have told me a year ago that I would meet face to face with readers of my blog, I would have "hardy har har"'d your ass and gone back to chugging my Schlitz.

However, an email from Martini asking me to meet up with her and Lady Luck at a bar in West Hollywood caught my attention. Leo, Leroy and I drove out to the bar and a manager stopped us at the kiosk.

Manager: Who are you here to see?

Leo & Leroy both turned to me.

So@24: Oh. Uhm. I actually, don't know their names...

-Manager raises eyebrow-

Manager: You can wait at the bar until your "friends" arrive.

We saddled up to the bar and I started to scan the room.

So@24: Well, now what?
Leo: Why are you asking me?? This is your operation, chief. Did she write her name in the email?
So@24: She signed it "Martini". That's all I got.
Leo: What about a phone number?
So@24: Nope. That was it.
Leo: Good luck with that buddy. Off you go.

I zigzagged around the bar like Billy in the Family Circus.

awkward wanderings

Nothing looked promising. I returned to the bar defeated.

So@24: This was a dumb idea guys. I'm sorry, let's just go.
Leo: What about those two girls standing there?

Sure enough, at the end of the bar, are two attractive girls sipping drinks. One of them happened to be drinking a martini.

So@24: Well, they said there would be other bloggers here. But maybe they are here by themselves?

But look!

Wait. Don't look now. One of them just looked at me. Wait. Wait.

Okay look now. One of them is drinking a martini! Dude! It's a code!
Leo: Only one way to find out.

...

...

Leo: Well??

I turned my back to the girls so they can't see me talking about them.

So@24: (in a loud whisper) You want me to go over there? What am I supposed to say?? "Hey, are you bloggers?" This is stupid, let's just go.
Leo: We came all the way out here! You're going!
So@24: Why don't you do it? You're good at this type of thing.
Leo: No way, this is all you kimosabe.
So@24: Goddammit.

I'm furiously chewing my nails and peek around Leo to get another look at the girls.

It's gotta be them. It has to. I mean... right?

So@24: Alright. Give me your beer.

-glug glug glug-
-wipes mouth with back of hand-
-slams down pint glass-

So@24's inner monologue: Why does this feel like a blind date? What am I supposed to say without sounding like a complete douche? Nothing. Your "go to" is about BLOGGING. You got nothing. God. Maybe this is what it's like to approach strange women at bars. No shit, Sherlock. You ARE approaching strange women... at a bar. Alright wrap this monologue up, you've been standing in front of these two girls for what seems like 2 years and you are just staring at them. They're staring, they're staring, they're staring... Here goes...

So@24: Are you here for the blogging convention?

So@24's inner monologue: Nice.

Girls: Huh? A what? Blogging convention?
So@24: Wait. Let's scratch the word "convention". Can we start over? Uh... I... uh... am supposed to meet these bloggers here.

...

I promise you I'm not trying to do some terrible pick-up line.
Girls: What's a blog?
So@24's inner monologue: Oh Jesus.
So@24: Sorry, this must have been a big mistake. Forget it.
Girls: Explain it. Like Perez Hilton?

I turn to Leo and Leroy. "Help me!" I mouth in absolute terror. I can feel the beads of sweat starting to form. Where is an empty paper sack to heavily breathe into when you need one??

So@24: Uh kinda.
Girls: Well what do you write about?
So@24's inner monologue: ABANDON SHIP! ... but don't mention that you write about being single. Seriously. Don't do it.

And so this extremely awkward exchange continued. Leo and Leroy at one point, step in and try to explain to the girls what blogs were and I would interject occasionally with, "Are you guys fucking with me?" I tried to lock eyes with one of the girls in hopes that they'd give away a hint that they knew who I was.

I was just about to swear off women altogether when one of the girls asked to see Leo's driver's license.

Girl: Hmmmm... I thought your name was "Leo"?

-coy smirks from both girls-

Goddammit.

Turns out that Martini and Lady Luck are complete sadists and enjoyed watching me squirm like a sweaty gerbil. So cruel. So, so cruel.

I suppose a valuable lesson can be learned from this situation:

Approaching members of the opposite sex in a social setting won't result in me spontaneously combusting.

Although I came damn-near close to doing so.

Welp. Time to get drunk and make some friends.

a blogging convention.

Gay Guys Love Me / Mr. Leroy's Wild Ride

Saturday night, one of my old coworkers was throwing an 80s themed house party. Naturally, I headed over to the local Goodwill to gather my costume.

As I'm walking into the store, a man in a leather jacket with matching leather baseball cap flashes me a smile. "Huh, that guy's being a little friendly for Los Angeles..." Not thinking anything of it, I nod and begin my search for the ultimate outfit.

Moments later I get that feeling that I'm sure most girls get at a bar on any given Saturday night; this sense eyes all over me. I look up and sure enough there is smiling at me.

Leather Cap: Are you from around here?
So@24: Uhhh... no. I live in Korea Town.
Leather Cap: Oh cool, cool. I thought I've seen you around here before.
So@24: Uh huh.
Leather Cap: So are you Filipino or Korean or something...
So@24: I'm half Vietnamese, half Caucasian.
Leather Cap: That's a good look for you.

wait a tick...

So@24: Uh... thanks?

...

-awkwardly look at the discount wife beaters on sale-

...

So@24: Well, have a good weekend!
Leather Cap: Oh wait. Do you have a MySpace?
So@24: Sorry, I don't do those social networking sites.
Leather Cap: Hopefully I'll see you around!

I've been mistaken for batting on the other team before. I seriously don't get why, but some of my favorite theories from my friends are:

• Because you're Asian without an accent
• You have a stout, athletic frame and you're short
• You talk really fast
• You're fun

I don't get it. Oh, if only meeting girls were as easy as meeting gay guys.

***

Meanwhile, I'm running on no sleep. My new roommate Leroy is in that new-relationship-lets-jam-each others-brains-out-every-single-night-multiple-times stage. Not even my beloved Nintendo DS could save me this time.

Last night, my eyes shoot open at exactly 3:12am (I know this because I thought to myself "There's no fucking way this is happening right now...). The walls are so paper thin, I could feel every bump and grind and hear everything as if I was in the corner of Leroy's room eating a hoagie.

I practically had sex with the guy; I feel like I know his entire fucking repertoire now.

And the girl. What a faker. Come on, dude! No guy is as good as you're making him sound. I was tempted to pound on the wall and yell, "Alright! You get the Oscar nomination! Knock it off!"

So while I was muttering a string of curse words to myself, waiting for the Richter Scale to go down a few notches, I had some time to think.

To Leo (during my first year in LA when we literally shared a room) and to all my college roommates: I hope I never put you through this. I don't think I did anyway. But, I'd like to cover my bases if I put you through what I went through last night.

Much love guys, much love.

New Roomie Tries to Take the Reigns

Over the weekend, Leo and I got a new roomie. Leroy is like the overly excited guy in the war movie. He's just a little too eager, overzealous... his ass going to be one of the first to go by the time the credits roll.* Completely harmless, but we love him. He's got a big heart.

Leo, Jack, Leroy and I head to a friend's birthday party on Friday after work. Your standard house party and since we arrived late, we have to play catch up. Yep. We were the guys who gathered in a circle and took shots in the kitchen while surveying the eye candy.

As the sauce is hitting my new roommate, he throws an arm around my shoulder and says, "I'm gonna get you laid tonight. A little known fact about me, I'm the best wing man ever!"

I raise my eyebrow and reply, "Thanks, big guy. But I'm cool."
"No, no, no. I won't hear another word of protest. We need to get you some tail. I got this, I got this. Don't worry!"

Sigh.

Whatever.

Leroy eagerly scampers off and I turn back to the group and continue my discussion with Leo and Jack analyzing Robert DiNiro's baseball bat monologue in The Untouchables.

At some point during the intense convo., I follow Leo's eyes scanning and locking onto a girl wandering the party. "Ooooh she's a cutie." Leo breaks away from the group and starts chatting up the waif. Meanwhile, Leroy tugs on my shirt.

So@24: Oh, what's going on?
Leroy: I found your target.
So@24: Target? What the hell are you talking about?
Leroy: Your target! The girl you're going to have sex with tonight! I'm your wingman! This is gonna be awesome!
So@24: Is this where you've been this entire time??

Leroy exits. I rub my eyes, doing my best to ignore the interaction that just transpired. Maybe if I forget it happened, it never existed. Like a tree falling in the woods or some shit.

As I'm pouring myself another shot of whiskey, I see Leroy (blatantly) winking and pointing to some girl talking to a guy. I try my best to give him the subtle headshake; indicating the universal "don't do this!" signal. He must have to been too drunk to notice. Because he threw an arm around the guy (whom he's never met) and tried to persuade him to have a drink with him; thus pulling him away from said girl. It was so transparent what he was trying to accomplish, Stevie Wonder could have seen right through it.

I'm mortified.

Again, I just turn around and leave the room to rejoin the guys. Leroy taps me on the shoulder again.

Leroy: Oh man! You lost your target! I had her, I had her!
So@24: Dude, she wasn't even attractive! I appreciate the gesture, buddy, but I really don't need a wingman. I'm cool with just hanging out tonight.
Leroy: You're too picky. You totally could have had sex tonight. You blew it!

Oy vey.

Meanwhile, the girl Leo was gaming gave him her "card". He shrugged it off because "she wasn't that interesting". I guess that's that. Or is it...

Sunday, Leo gets a text:

It was really nice meeting you. I'd love to grab a drink with you sometime if you're interested.

A girl actually took the initiative. She gave him her card AND texted him asking HIM out. I'm floored and very impressed.

Damn he's good.




* totally taken from Dave Attell. I love you Dave.

Cast of Characters

List of all the players that might be mentioned, associated, or quoted in my anecdotes:


Leo - My former roommate and one of my closest friends. Notorious for winning (and breaking) the hearts of many females. Your modern day Don Juan in a faded t-shirt and Chuck Taylors.
Jack - Newest addition to my circle of friends. Witty, smarmy, and will arrive at any function with a Steele Reserve in his hand as a "warm up". One of my go-tos for advice.
Leroy - Former roommate. Big heart, brings out our geekier side.
Rick - Best friend since 7th grade. Can hold his liquor like the best of us, but is much more wholesome than most.
Mimi - Cousin and best friend, usually has the most accurate insight to my character.
Leslie - Everyone has to have a lesbian friend. Hilarious and always up very front with her opinions.
Jenny - College friend, lived at the sorority next door. Sorority sisters with Mimi, Beth, and Leslie

Paxton - Ex roommate, lived with Leo and me when I first moved to LA.
Veronica - Often ask each others advice and unique insight on the opposite sex. One of the few females friends that hangs out consistently with "the group".


The Girlies

Lynn - My one and only ex-girlfriend. Dated her since high school and we broke up in November 2006.
Janice - An assistant at a production company, I met her through work. We flirted a lot on the phone, but the more I got to know her the more I found out she was absolutely crazy. But she's really cute. Figures.
Ann & Lisa - Met them at a tailgate party randomly. Two cute blonds from the OC who are the biggest lushes I've ever come across. And I was in the greek system at a large university.
the Nurse - Met through friends back in Portland. Blacked out and made out with her in a bar. The first girl I've kissed since the breakup. She seemed alright at first, but after much investigation I'm extremely embarrassed that I did anything. -shudder-
Beth - Lived in the sorority next to my frat and has been one of my closet friends ever since. We've always clicked. Like me, she only has had one boyfriend and that was when she was 23. Her and I have had a dramatic, dark, and twisted past. We had a falling out after this night and haven't spoken since.
Caitlin - Irish girl. There was an interest for awhile, but ended up being a carrot dangler.
Bree - A girl who I met through the blog. We both read each others blogs for quite sometime until the comments turned to emails which turned to gchats which turned to phone calls.